Enough

I am publicly declaring I have had enough. Enough pregnancy losses, enough disappoint, enough grief, enough sadness and enough wondering why.

Our vacation with Malin's family at Crescent Lake, Oregon was interrupted Monday when I started having severe pain and bleeding. Even though I had a normal sonohystogram 1 week prior my medical knowledge made me worry of ectopic pregnancy (although I really didn't think I could be pregnant). We waited a few hours and then drove the 1.5 hours back to Bend. In the end I had an emergency laparoscopy that evening for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. How I had hoped my diagnosis was wrong! While I received good care and am now recovering at Malin's parents home, it's been overwhelming. The doctor found no obvious reason for the ectopic and called it a "spontaneous, random ectopic." Do random things happen or does it all come from the hand of God?

Further difficult news came today when I learned I did not receive a fellowship position. While I still have plenty of options for the future it's still hard to have this option closed. 

So the answer to the question, "What's next?" remains open. How do you navigate life in the midst of tremendous grief?  How do you derive God's will or plan through pain?  How do you decipher a divineness when the losses seem senseless? 

For now, perhaps all I can say and believe with confidence is that God still loves me, still loves our family, and still has plans for us.