Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Enough

I am publicly declaring I have had enough. Enough pregnancy losses, enough disappoint, enough grief, enough sadness and enough wondering why.

Our vacation with Malin's family at Crescent Lake, Oregon was interrupted Monday when I started having severe pain and bleeding. Even though I had a normal sonohystogram 1 week prior my medical knowledge made me worry of ectopic pregnancy (although I really didn't think I could be pregnant). We waited a few hours and then drove the 1.5 hours back to Bend. In the end I had an emergency laparoscopy that evening for a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. How I had hoped my diagnosis was wrong! While I received good care and am now recovering at Malin's parents home, it's been overwhelming. The doctor found no obvious reason for the ectopic and called it a "spontaneous, random ectopic." Do random things happen or does it all come from the hand of God?

Further difficult news came today when I learned I did not receive a fellowship position. While I still have plenty of options for the future it's still hard to have this option closed. 

So the answer to the question, "What's next?" remains open. How do you navigate life in the midst of tremendous grief?  How do you derive God's will or plan through pain?  How do you decipher a divineness when the losses seem senseless? 

For now, perhaps all I can say and believe with confidence is that God still loves me, still loves our family, and still has plans for us.

5 comments:

afreakforjc said...

Aw jeez. I'm sorry to hear about the surgery, but glad you're recovering now. Get better soon!

Genet said...

Sara, my heart aches at your tremendous loss. I believe that God allows us to experience the "spontaneous, random" things that happen so we can grow and become closer to Him. I know that's a lousy answer right now though. I love you and my prayers are with you during this difficult time.

Patty Barrett said...

Sara,
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. Luckily you were on top of the diagnosis before it became more of an emergency.
As for your fellowship - that too I am so sorry for you. Something else must be waiting for you. You are very courageous to share all your heartache with us.
Every day the first thing I do is look at your blog. You and your family are an inspiration - just remember that! I'm glad I had the opportunity to work with you and am privileged to know you.
Patty Barrett RN agmc

Haywards said...

Sara,
I am writing to weep with you. We love you guys. We feel so knit to you from our time together at Tenwek and it continues through this blog. Please know we are sad with you. You will remain in our prayers. Come see us if you need a little Great Lakes R & R. We're not far from your grandma, right?
love,
Suzanne( and Dan)

Laffing Dawg said...

Oh, Sara, I am so, so sad and sorry. I absolutely know how you feel with the closing of a door upon yet another loss of a hoped for pregnancy. I don't know what else to say but that I am praying with everyone else and want only the best for you.

Rest in God's Arms,
Kathy - across town